Hello, everybody! It’s been a while since I was subjected to the Billboard Top 10, but as summer is rapidly approaching, I thought I’d expose myself to potentially radioactive pop music to shield you from accidentally having to check it out for yourself.
I do this for you, people. I’m what a real hero looks like.
These are the Billboard Top 10 for the week of May 13, 2017.
(Some of these songs are NSFW if you work somewhere that cursing is frowned on, or you work for people with good taste in music.)
10. “It Ain’t Me” by Kygo x Selena Gomez
- I have never heard of Kygo, but it sounds a but like a home delivery service for feminine hygiene products. I know who Selena Gomez is because she dated the Beeb, yo!
- Holy [REDACTED], it has over 240 MILLION views on YouTube. You ever feel behind the times?
- It sounds like someone chopped every third second out of the chorus. I assume it’s meant to be like that but it sounds like what I imagine having a seizure is like.
- Honestly, it’s pretty inoffensive. I’ll be nice and give it a C+. I don’t need to hear it again, but it doesn’t make me nauseous.
9. “XO TOUR Llif3” by Lil Uzi Vert
- I had to check four times that I spelled that title right. Did someone’s cat walk on the keyboard and name the song?
- Lil Uzi Vert. Like Little Green Uzi? Shouldn’t it be Le Petite Uzi Vert? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
- It has a really menacing bassline, but the way the guy spits is kinda dumb. It has like a Jamaican sorta lilt to it. I dunno. I feel like I’ve heard this song ten times before, although it’s the first time.
- C. Good bassline. Not a fan of the MC.
8. “iSpy” KYLE feat. Lil Yachty
- Are we still calling things iSomething? I thought that was over. Apple doesn’t even do that anymore.
- Why is KYLE’s name in all caps? It makes me think of Cartman yelling “Kyle!”
- This song has EXACTLY the same cadence as “XO TOUR Llif3” and the same annoying way of pronouncing words. Is this a genre now? Does everyone else know about it? Get off my lawn!
- I’m not even going into the video.
- Lil Yachty is autotuned to the point where it sounds like he has a mouthful of food.
- C-. I can see how it might be fun to dance to, but definitely not for me.
7. “DNA.” by Kendrick Lamar
- Am I actually going to get to review a GOOD song? This is also the first song I’ve ever heard of that I’ve gotten to review.
- So, up until the release of this album I conflated Kendrick Lamar and Drake, which makes no sense because they are absolutely nothing alike. I always thought I disliked Lamar, but I was completely wrong.
- This song is AWESOME. Great production, great loping beat that sounds like a wolf advancing on prey.
- I would be very happy to hear this a lot this summer. This song gets a solid A.
6. “Something Just Like This” by the Chainsmokers & Coldplay
- I remember reviewing a Chainsmokers song before, but have absolutely no memory of either the song title or even remotely what it sounded like, other than it completely sucked.
- Coldplay? Ugh.
- Hmm, they mention Spider-Man and Batman. That’s a quick way to my nerd heart.
- Nope, it’s been [REDACTED]blocked by having to listen to Coldplay and some very lame synth beats.
- It really just sounds like a mashup of two songs, neither particularly inspiring.
- I’m definitely going to forget this song in about ten minutes.
- Kind of harmless, without anything to really praise or pan. I’m going to give it a C, which is right down the middle.
5. “Mask Off” by Future
- I think I’ve heard of Future, but then again, maybe I’ve just heard of THE future.
- Another song about masks. More superheroes? Maybe the X-Men this time? I could totally stand to hear a rap song about Wolverine.
- I thought he was saying “Mad scones” until I realized it was probably “Mask Off.”
- It’s got a really great kung-fu style flute in the mix, which is awesome.
- The song itself is kinda meh. It has no momentum, it just sorta sits there and says “Here I am, on the couch, eating potato chips and watching season five of CSI: Miami.”
- I’m giving it a slight bump for the flute. C.
4. “Despacito” by Luis Fonsi & Daddy Yankee Featuring Justin Bieber
- Damn it, I was thinking I was going to finally get through a Top 10 without having to be subjected to the Beeb.
- Okay, is this a Luis Fonsi song featuring Justin Bieber, or a Justin Bieber song featuring Luis Fonsi? The internet is unclear.
- The song is mostly in Spanish, which is good, because it keeps me from examining the lyrics.
- I like the parts that don’t feature Bieber, surprisingly. It’d sound great coming from a boombox on the beach. It’s got kind of a low key charm.
- I bet there’s a non-Bieber version of that song. I’d give that one a slightly higher grade, since the Beeb only sings in the first verse of this song, so you don’t have to listen to much of him. I think this is a safe B.
3. “HUMBLE.” by Kendrick Lamar
- My ears are ready, Kendrick. Bring it.
- Wait, did he just say “My booby tastes like Kool-Aid”? I just googled it, he says “D’USSÉ with my boo bae, tastes like Kool-Aid for the analysts.” What does that MEAN??!
- Great production again. The synth bass (I think) is killer.
- Not sure why this song is higher up than “DNA” as I don’t think it’s as good, but it’s still a great track. B+
2. “Shape of You” by Ed Sheeran
- Isn’t this the whiny English ginger? He looks like a guy who has just been caught looking at hentai videos by his long suffering girlfriend. I mean, look at him!
- Other than that, it just sounds like disposable pop music, something you’d hear while in the back of a Lyft on your way to dinner.
- It sounds like pop music your mom might like. “Have you heard this Ed Sheeran?! I bet you’d like him.
- It’s soooooo boring.
- C-, and hopefully I’ll never have to listen to this song again.
1. “That’s What I Like” by Bruno Mars
- I’ve heard of Bruno Mars, but I don’t know anything else about him. Didn’t he perform at the Oscars once?
- Not really my cup of tea, but a solidly produced pop song.
- I really hope that Prince was okay with Bruno Mars, because otherwise he’s due for some purple haunting.
- I’ll give it a B-. I don’t really want to hear it again, but it’s not a bad song.
In Summation
This is actually the best Top 10 I’ve reviewed to date. Two A’s (though they’re both Kendrick), the lowest grade was a C-, and I barely had to listen to Justin Bieber.
You’re welcome. Now I’m going to go and wash out my ears with some Stooges or something.